[Blitzø's a pretty small guy. He's tall for an imp, but he's still barely more than four feet tall, though when you include his horns he seems a little less microscopic, even as an owl pulled seven times through a taffy puller and the actual height of a tree. Anyway, aforementioned imp has become impossibly smaller, curled there against Stolas' leg, and the way he keeps crunching further and further inward is making it really hard for him to breathe. Add to that the fact that he's verging somewhere between panic and outright sobbing breakdown, and he realizes he quite plainly can't fucking breathe folded up as he is, so he worms forward and presses his face into Stolas' feathery knee with a squashed whine of sound.]
[It could almost be funny, if it weren't for the way he stretches slightly and folds both his arms around the goetia's leg in favor of a quiet, miserable admission.] Everything, Stolas, I can't even fucking explain properly. I'm not-- [He sucks in a harsh breath and sits up, splaying both his hands over his face.] Fuuuck me, please don't judge if I start crying, just pretend you don't see anything. I'm not usually this fucking soggy, you just turn me into some kind of waterlogged sponge.
[When Blitzø doubled over, pressing his face against his leg, both of Stolas's hands shot up over his head. It took him a second to process what was going on as the imp bared his heart. Should he touch him? Would he shy away? Would he want that? Before the owl could decide what to do with his hands, Blitzø had made the choice for him. Slowly, Stolas lowered his hands back into his lap.
This was... new. It feels like ever since the trial, he has been seeing all sorts of new sides to him. Which... wasn't a bad thing. Confusing, if anything honestly. Closing his eyes, Stolas tilts over to press his shoulder against the imp in a comforting gesture.]
I see nothing. [He says in a soft voice.] You don't need to explain... I saw what you did at my sentencing. [There was another lull before he exhaled.] The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you...
I'm so fucking sick of losing what I care about because I'm a shithead, Stolas, and I almost lost you so permanently-- [He's curled his fingers so his claws dig just a little into his skin, immediately leaning back when Stolas puts his shoulder against him. He sucks in another breath, moves his hands, and instead presses his palms to his temples, drumming his fingers against his horns.] Fuck. Sorry, this-- I'm. Gonna be better about this.
["I can always do better", in a different way.]
[He still can't make himself look at Stolas, the stinging to the corners of his eyes making him afraid of it, but he wiggles his way against his side more securely.] 'n you didn't, not really. Not with that, at least. I'm-- [He laughs, because he feels ridiculous saying this when he's a hair's breath from bursting into tears.] I'm a hardy bitch, y'know?
[One of his hands moves to his neck and rubs absently, and then he frowns and does look up at Stolas, and-- yeah, he's all shiny-eyed and stressed out-looking, but there's a stronger current of worry.] ...you never told me what they did, after they threw me out. Banished, yeah, but-- they didn't hurt you, did they? [He reaches out before he can think better of it, ghosting his claws over the feathers at Stolas' neck.]
[Listening to Blitzø get so overwhelmed with emotions to even speak... it was like icy hands were gripping around the owl's neck, making it hard to breathe. Knowing that he had a hand in all this made his stomach sit like a rock in his gut. Despite what the imp had said, trying to brush it off, the fact of the matter was that he did hurt him. Unintentional or not... he did.
Stolas fidgets a little in his spot, shaking his head.]
It's alright to feel your emotions, Blitz... You know what helps me feel better? Singing about them. [He gives a gentle snort before his expression turns solemn.] That night when I gave you the crystal... The things you called me... I never knew I made you feel so low. My intentions towards you had always been genuine. You don't know just how important you are to me, Blitz... I regret ever making you feel that you weren't.
[The corners of the owl's eyes stung as he fought back the tears that threatened to leak out. That was until a soft touch brushed against his neck. All of his feathers ruffled as a shiver ran down his spine. Fuck, he missed being touched. Trying to shield his embarrassment, his eyes darted to the ceiling.]
O-oh? After? Well... nothing much really. They just stripped me of my status and my powers. It didn't hurt exactly, though it wasn't entirely pleasant either. It felt as if something was being pulled out of me, sapping my strength. I still feel a bit... empty.
[He manages an ugly little laugh at the suggestion of singing, shaking his head.] Not all of us are graced with the vocal presence of an angel, buddy. [He ducks away farther at the mention of that Full Moon, tail shifting and winding around his own leg.] It...,
[He huffs out a gusty sigh, damp, and smudges his hands over his eyes.] I don't really think it's intentional, you've just always had a silver spoon in your mouth. You don't know what it's like for bottom-feeders like me. How... impossible it is, to think someone with so much power and influence could want to..., slum it. I still don't get it, I'm still gonna second-guess it..., And honestly that you just threw it all away for me will never make sense. [He sniffs roughly, leaning into Stolas' side for a spell.]
[He looks back up with the details on his powers being stripped, carding his claws through his feathers.] ...they can't ever take it all from you, you just. Are magic. But take it easy on yourself, yeah? Don't overdo it.
[Somehow, hurting Blitzø unintentionally made his stomach sink more. How blind he had been. So caught up in this fantasy he concocted that he didn't stop to think. Having his privilege stripped from him, he was only being to see what 'slumming it' really was. God... he didn't want to think about being poor right now.
In all his wild imaginations about their future, it was always been him with his princely status and Blitzø being well.... Blitzø. Never in a thousand years did he imagine the real cost it would take to truly be with him. Still, if he had to throw it all away to save his life, he would do it all over again.
Stolas lowered his eyes has he lets out a heavy sigh.]
I think you sell yourself too short, Blitz. If that party had anything to show, it proves how deeply others are drawn to you.
I... I couldn't let you die for a mistake I made. Letting you use my grimoire was highly illegal and yet I permitted you to borrow it. I knew that there would be dire consequences if we were ever to be found out. Besides.... [Stolas allows himself to sneak a small peak at Blitzø.] ... no matter what we are, I'd always come in your hour of need. A world without you in it isn't one worth living.
[He offered Blitzø a sheepish grin before quickly darting his eyes away to stare back up at the same spot on the ceiling. It took everythinghe had not to start cooing at the pleasant feeling of his feathers being combed. He did, however, leaned into the touch.]
I will try not to 'over do it'. I still have my immortality but any other magical ability has been purged from me.
[Blitzø scoffs a sardonic huff of laughter, shaking his head.] Yeah, drawn to me because I'm enough of an asshole I didn't realize I'd hurt them. [Which-- was actually impressive for him to have realized. Verosika's words stuck with him, and he was realizing how fucking oblivious he was about so much.]
[He hums, shaking his head again.] No, that... that's not just on you. I knew better, and I still tried to steal the damn thing. Still fucked around and found out, literally and figuratively. [That last bit, though... "A world without you in it isn't one worth living". It steals the breath from his lungs, a sharp inhale cut off as he jolts upward to look at Stolas. He's stunned, to have it stated so plainly, that Stolas straight doesn't want to live without him. He's the same, of course, and it took the trial for him to realize, and oh, he feels absolutely sick with emotion.]
[He draws in a shallow breath and withers into the back of the couch like a leathery little plant.] I do not fucking deserve you, or anything you've done for me, but-- fuck, I'm so grateful. [He just leans there a minute, eventually turning his head to look back up at Stolas, and he manages a funny little smile.] Nah. Still magic. [He reaches over and paws for Stolas' hand.]
[Deserve, huh? The smile on his beak withered as that nasty inky guilt bubbled in his gut again. Right now, Stolas didn't feel like he deserved much of anything. Losing his powers and status hurt, yes but it was nothing compared to losing his daughter. Without a second thought he was ready to die for Blitzø. It was shameful now to admit it was only after did he think what would happen to Via.
He had broken the one big promise he made to her. That he wouldn't 'run away' with Blitzø to leave her alone. What a horrible father he was... How could he deserve to be happy when she wasn't there to share it with him?
Just has he was downward spiraling, he felt a hand pawing for his. Stolas looked down at Blitzø, giving him a light snort and roll of the eyes at his as he gentle nudged him with his shoulder for his corny 'magical' comment. But he allowed his to take his hand in his.]
Say... Blitz? May I ask you something? [There was one last nagging question that buzzed in his brain.] You have been so accommodating ever since the trial. Taking me in, looking after me.... Why are you being so kind to me? It isn't out of some sense of obligation after I saved your life, is it?
[He writhes a bit on the couch, shifting until he's a little more comfortable folded up on himself like a pretzel, Stolas' hand first in one, then in both of his own. He catches himself rubbing one thumb along the back of Stolas' knuckles, admiring the inky, blue-black of them.]
Hm? Oh. Mmmn. [He scrunches his face like it's hard to put to words, shifting one of his hands to slot their fingers together. He smiles, slowly, shrugging both shoulders.] Not obligation. Just... understanding. I've been through a lot of rough patches in my life, Stolas, and... [Shaking his head, he looks up and leans his head flat against the couch. His smile is tired, but still warm.] My hand in the cookie jar or not, you're too important to me to let you figure this shit out by yourself. Loss fucks a person up-- changes you, and I-- [He squeezes Stolas' hand, his face mottling an embarrassed grey.] I. Don't want you to get on that train to London.
[It wasn't very often he was stuck silent. But this, this was one of those time. Oh sweet merciless Satan, that line started a whole cascade of emotions toppling inside. It wasn't too long ago that the imp gave him a hard time for his love of sappy romcoms. Now Blitzø was spouting them with a straight face. This sudden change of heart still caught the goetia off guard. Where was this side of him before?
His whole heart-shaped face darkens with a deep flush as he continues to stare wide eyed at the imp. God, this silence has stretched on for too long. All four of his eyes fluttered, turning to head slightly to the side as a ghost of a smile haunts the corners of his beak.]
[He instinctively wants to make some kind of joke-- that neither of them are going anywhere, because they're stuck in weird ocean and giant turtles land, and that does settle like a little stone at the back of his mind, but he has to trust that isn't what Stolas meant. That he meant it as a concept, that he wasn't leaving Blitzø, that he wasn't getting on the figurative train to figurative London in the figurative rom-com that had become their life.]
[He leans forward until his forehead is pressed against Stolas' side.] Good. Me either.
[Stolas didn't move as Blitzø leans up against him. His warmth actually felt... calming. He could get used to this side of him.
Again, a moment of comfortable silence passed between them. This was not how he had pictured this Talk going. Maybe it was just his past experiences but he was fully braced for yelling and tears. Not that he was complaining about the outcome. Yet... there was still one burning issue that needed to be ironed out.]
So, Blitz.... About us... [He pauses.] Are you suggesting that you want to give it another try?
[This side of him-- this sweeter, gentler side of a roguish, volatile creature who kills for a living and enjoys it... It's always been there, it's who he is at his core, but years of hardship and self-inflicted isolation have turned softness to stone, sugar to crystal. What's worse, he can't help but reach out and try, can't help but let some of the kindness in his heart seep through the cracks of the barrier he's built around it. But he misreads, and he doesn't communicate well when he's hurt, so he internalizes everything, and it's turned him harsh.]
[This was hardly all they needed to discuss, all they needed to lay out and explain, to understand about one another, but... Stolas shifting the topic drew Blitzø out of the near-doze he'd slipped into. He makes a curious grunt of sound and sits up again, blinking a few times and then scrunching his eyes closed to process the question.]
...don't get mad at me for saying this, but there wasn't an us to really speak of before. I'm-- that's on me, mostly. [His body coils again, back into the couch cushions with his tail wound around himself.] ...but. If you... [He exhales, curling his arms around his knees and ignoring the way his whole frame is shaking slightly.] If you want there to be an us. [He blinks at his knees, holding his breath, eventually mashing his face into them because he can't look at Stolas right now.] Then, yeah. "Us" sounds fucking great.
[That ember of that warm fuzzy feeling was promptly snuffed out remembering 'them' from before. Right, they never were an us before. Reacting on instinct, he pulled back his hands to hug his arms. So... if him being kind to him wasn't because Blitzø wanted to be with him then... was he misreading their situation again?
Stolas's brows furrowed slightly as his grip tightens.]
Blitz.... I want to do this properly if we are to pursue this. I... may not be ready but.... I want to be.
[He stays curled into his knees, trying to keep his breathing even and trying to listen and digest Stolas' words before he responds. He's been so reactionary with Stolas, so vicious, because he had to be.]
[Because he thought he had to be.]
[He draws in a careful breath and lifts his head, and seeing the way Stolas has drawn back into himself again makes his eyes get hot. He did that. He always did that--]
I'm not right for you, you know. I mean-- look at this. Look at us. All I've ever done is hurt you when it mattered, Stolas, how can..., Why would you want that?
[Stolas found himself sharply cutting in with a bit more umph then it meant to. Shrinking into himself more after his little outburst, he casts a remorseful look to the floor.]
I mean, before all this... before I placed my one-sided expectations on our situation... [Before he misread their relationship...] I meant what I said that you made me happy. You made me feel wanted, even if it was for a little bit. Made me forget about...
[The words get caught up in his throat as he vaguely gestures to himself. His scrawny twig ass.]
... all this. Seeing you take control of your own fate, it opened my eyes that maybe I could escape mine.
[He flinches, despite himself, wordlessly twisting his fingers together in a way that looks painful. It probably is, the dull throb of nearly pushing his joints the wrong direction keeping him at least somewhat grounded.]
[He sags backward slightly, not especially wanting distance but feeling suffocated, leading to him eventually slowly pushing his way to the other arm of the couch by digging his heels into the cushions below him. His tail winds around his legs, folded to his chest, twice.] I wanted that shit you were expecting, Stolas, I still do. I'm just-- shit at feelings, I cut and run when things get serious because I'm fucking scared. [It was a solid step up from being "too much imp to simp".]
[He hugs himself a little tighter, shaking his head.] I don't... I've been in control of so fucking little in my life, Stolas, I don't know what you think you're seeing.
[There was that cold chilly distance between them again. Why did he have to open his big beak and ruin everything? Just a moment ago they were shoulder to shoulder, talking about not getting on that train. But now it feels like they both had one foot on the platform. Maybe they were moving too fast.
Stolas hugs himself tighter.]
I don't know what you're not seeing. Your an imp, an imp with his own business. That's unheard of Blitz. How can you not acknowledge that?
[He pulls his knees up to his chest enough that it forces the air from his lungs a moment, wheezed out as he buries his face into them and stays that way, his tail unwinding enough so the end of it can lash in frustration, the spade smacking the couch cushions. He's locked inward, folded tight on himself, closed off and seething, until--]
[--in a burst of motion he stands up and paces the length of the couch, one way and then the other, arms wound tight around his ribs and tail whipping behind him in poorly contained stress.] All I ever do, Stolas, is leech off everyone around me. I'm-- fuck, I'm better than I used to be, but what good have I ever really done for you? Maybe-- maybe awakened your sexuality, that's great! But I'm like a fucking cancer. [His pacing slows, and with him not in motion he realizes he's so strung out he's shaking. In turn, he hugs his arms closer to himself.] I don't wanna ruin you anymore than I already have, y'know?
[The owl sat quietly as he listened to Blitzø tear himself down again. How could be not see what he saw? They were like two broken pieces of glass trying to pull themselves together. But the harder they held on, the more they cracked around the fault.
Stolas let's out a steady exhale, his tone leveling out.]
I feel your employees would beg to differ.. your daughter, too. [He leans back in his spot to stare at the ceiling.] Which is it, Blitz? You said you don't want me to get on that train, yet you're pushing me away with your next breath. Which is it, Blitz? You want me to stay or go?
[Something about the way Stolas doesn't look at him when he asks subdues him. It feels hopeless, suddenly, like the question is a dead end, because he doesn't fucking know which it is. So he just goes still, or he tries to despite the way his whole body is shaking, and he thinks about it.]
[In pretty immediate order, the idea of losing Stolas, of him going-- it wrenches an ugly sound from the imp, and he ducks his head against the way his eyes suddenly burn so hot it crawls up the back of his throat. He worries for a split second he's going to be sick, but instead he's just crying, which is maybe better than throwing up on the living room floor, but only just. He's hoarse, his throat feeling like it's the width of a soda straw, but he coughs out a stumbling thought anyway.]
If I said, "I want you to stay", would it make any difference? If I said "I want you to stay here with me", would you? [He picks his head up, the words chosen specifically to call back to what Stolas hadn't given him the chance to understand, what he'd gotten angry about instead. And he's a mess, standing there, hunched forward and acting like he's not losing every bit of shit he's ever had in the living room of an apartment that looks too much and nothing at all like the one he lived in in Hell, like he's not falling apart because he doesn't fucking know what he wants, except that he wants Stolas and he fucking shouldn't.]
[The tension he held in his shoulders loosens, letting his hand fall into his lap. Again, the goetia loomed over to stare into his open palms.]
All I have ever wanted was to be wanted by someone. To feel... needed. Not just for my title or my powers. To want me for me. If you said you wanted me.... it would change everything.
[The reminder of the party stings. The reminder that Stolas went-- which was well within his right, even if he'd never been an "ex" because they'd never been together. Blitzø makes another ugly little aborted sound, slowly sitting down and hunching forward, collecting himself.]
I do, Stolas, I want-- the stupid shit, I want. [He smudges the heel of one hand over his eyes.] I want to watch movies with you, I want to sit and drink coffee with you, I want to go fucking grocery shopping with you. I want you in my life but I've fucked this up so badly what does saying it even mean? I don't want you to get on that train, not unless I'm on it with you-- I breathe easier when you're near me, I fucking sleep better with your stupid little hooting snores, you're warm and soft and sweet, trying to live without you has been like drinking shitty black coffee when I got used to the best creamer in Hell, okay? [He's folded forward so his forehead is against his knees, so all of this is kind of yelled at the floor, but at least he said it, maybe? Maybe Stolas would get it, now that he said it instead of trying to say it with actions. He'd never been good with words.]
[As Blitzø began his little heart to heart ramble of his, Stolas's head spun to stare at the little imp. He didn't know if the hellborn realized or not, but this was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. It was getting a little hard to breath with the swell of emotions that bubbled in his chest. He had never seen the imp so honest about what he felt, well... if he wasn't being yelled at anyways.
There wad still this dark voice that creeper along the edged of his mind. After all that's he's done, did he deserve to be happy? Choking that thought down for now, Stolas simply scoots a little in Blitzø’s direction to lean over to rest his shoulder on his.]
[Blitzø, for his part, just blubbers into his knees when Stolas doesn't just lean into him, but says what he does. He doesn't unstick his mouth enough to make any of it words, eventually giving up entirely and coughing a short series of hitched half-sobs before he sits up, smearing large hands over his face. It's graceless, but a similar gesture to the forced calm Stolas had taken on after sobbing into his lap at the party. It's hardly intentional, just-- yet another way they were too similar.]
[He withers sideways into Stolas' shoulder, hands still over his face.] Fuuuck I would like to exchange emotions for Not Emotions, thanks.
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[It could almost be funny, if it weren't for the way he stretches slightly and folds both his arms around the goetia's leg in favor of a quiet, miserable admission.] Everything, Stolas, I can't even fucking explain properly. I'm not-- [He sucks in a harsh breath and sits up, splaying both his hands over his face.] Fuuuck me, please don't judge if I start crying, just pretend you don't see anything. I'm not usually this fucking soggy, you just turn me into some kind of waterlogged sponge.
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This was... new. It feels like ever since the trial, he has been seeing all sorts of new sides to him. Which... wasn't a bad thing. Confusing, if anything honestly. Closing his eyes, Stolas tilts over to press his shoulder against the imp in a comforting gesture.]
I see nothing. [He says in a soft voice.] You don't need to explain... I saw what you did at my sentencing. [There was another lull before he exhaled.] The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you...
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["I can always do better", in a different way.]
[He still can't make himself look at Stolas, the stinging to the corners of his eyes making him afraid of it, but he wiggles his way against his side more securely.] 'n you didn't, not really. Not with that, at least. I'm-- [He laughs, because he feels ridiculous saying this when he's a hair's breath from bursting into tears.] I'm a hardy bitch, y'know?
[One of his hands moves to his neck and rubs absently, and then he frowns and does look up at Stolas, and-- yeah, he's all shiny-eyed and stressed out-looking, but there's a stronger current of worry.] ...you never told me what they did, after they threw me out. Banished, yeah, but-- they didn't hurt you, did they? [He reaches out before he can think better of it, ghosting his claws over the feathers at Stolas' neck.]
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Stolas fidgets a little in his spot, shaking his head.]
It's alright to feel your emotions, Blitz... You know what helps me feel better? Singing about them. [He gives a gentle snort before his expression turns solemn.] That night when I gave you the crystal... The things you called me... I never knew I made you feel so low. My intentions towards you had always been genuine. You don't know just how important you are to me, Blitz... I regret ever making you feel that you weren't.
[The corners of the owl's eyes stung as he fought back the tears that threatened to leak out. That was until a soft touch brushed against his neck. All of his feathers ruffled as a shiver ran down his spine. Fuck, he missed being touched. Trying to shield his embarrassment, his eyes darted to the ceiling.]
O-oh? After? Well... nothing much really. They just stripped me of my status and my powers. It didn't hurt exactly, though it wasn't entirely pleasant either. It felt as if something was being pulled out of me, sapping my strength. I still feel a bit... empty.
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[He huffs out a gusty sigh, damp, and smudges his hands over his eyes.] I don't really think it's intentional, you've just always had a silver spoon in your mouth. You don't know what it's like for bottom-feeders like me. How... impossible it is, to think someone with so much power and influence could want to..., slum it. I still don't get it, I'm still gonna second-guess it..., And honestly that you just threw it all away for me will never make sense. [He sniffs roughly, leaning into Stolas' side for a spell.]
[He looks back up with the details on his powers being stripped, carding his claws through his feathers.] ...they can't ever take it all from you, you just. Are magic. But take it easy on yourself, yeah? Don't overdo it.
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In all his wild imaginations about their future, it was always been him with his princely status and Blitzø being well.... Blitzø. Never in a thousand years did he imagine the real cost it would take to truly be with him. Still, if he had to throw it all away to save his life, he would do it all over again.
Stolas lowered his eyes has he lets out a heavy sigh.]
I think you sell yourself too short, Blitz. If that party had anything to show, it proves how deeply others are drawn to you.
I... I couldn't let you die for a mistake I made. Letting you use my grimoire was highly illegal and yet I permitted you to borrow it. I knew that there would be dire consequences if we were ever to be found out. Besides.... [Stolas allows himself to sneak a small peak at Blitzø.] ... no matter what we are, I'd always come in your hour of need. A world without you in it isn't one worth living.
[He offered Blitzø a sheepish grin before quickly darting his eyes away to stare back up at the same spot on the ceiling. It took everythinghe had not to start cooing at the pleasant feeling of his feathers being combed.
He did, however, leaned into the touch.]I will try not to 'over do it'. I still have my immortality but any other magical ability has been purged from me.
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[He hums, shaking his head again.] No, that... that's not just on you. I knew better, and I still tried to steal the damn thing. Still fucked around and found out, literally and figuratively. [That last bit, though... "A world without you in it isn't one worth living". It steals the breath from his lungs, a sharp inhale cut off as he jolts upward to look at Stolas. He's stunned, to have it stated so plainly, that Stolas straight doesn't want to live without him. He's the same, of course, and it took the trial for him to realize, and oh, he feels absolutely sick with emotion.]
[He draws in a shallow breath and withers into the back of the couch like a leathery little plant.] I do not fucking deserve you, or anything you've done for me, but-- fuck, I'm so grateful. [He just leans there a minute, eventually turning his head to look back up at Stolas, and he manages a funny little smile.] Nah. Still magic. [He reaches over and paws for Stolas' hand.]
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He had broken the one big promise he made to her. That he wouldn't 'run away' with Blitzø to leave her alone. What a horrible father he was... How could he deserve to be happy when she wasn't there to share it with him?
Just has he was downward spiraling, he felt a hand pawing for his. Stolas looked down at Blitzø, giving him a light snort and roll of the eyes at his as he gentle nudged him with his shoulder for his corny 'magical' comment. But he allowed his to take his hand in his.]
Say... Blitz? May I ask you something? [There was one last nagging question that buzzed in his brain.] You have been so accommodating ever since the trial. Taking me in, looking after me.... Why are you being so kind to me? It isn't out of some sense of obligation after I saved your life, is it?
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Will it this feeling fade?]no subject
Hm? Oh. Mmmn. [He scrunches his face like it's hard to put to words, shifting one of his hands to slot their fingers together. He smiles, slowly, shrugging both shoulders.] Not obligation. Just... understanding. I've been through a lot of rough patches in my life, Stolas, and... [Shaking his head, he looks up and leans his head flat against the couch. His smile is tired, but still warm.] My hand in the cookie jar or not, you're too important to me to let you figure this shit out by yourself. Loss fucks a person up-- changes you, and I-- [He squeezes Stolas' hand, his face mottling an embarrassed grey.] I. Don't want you to get on that train to London.
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Where was this side of him before?His whole heart-shaped face darkens with a deep flush as he continues to stare wide eyed at the imp. God, this silence has stretched on for too long. All four of his eyes fluttered, turning to head slightly to the side as a ghost of a smile haunts the corners of his beak.]
Well.... I'm not going anywhere.
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[He leans forward until his forehead is pressed against Stolas' side.] Good. Me either.
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Again, a moment of comfortable silence passed between them. This was not how he had pictured this Talk going. Maybe it was just his past experiences but he was fully braced for yelling and tears. Not that he was complaining about the outcome. Yet... there was still one burning issue that needed to be ironed out.]
So, Blitz.... About us... [He pauses.] Are you suggesting that you want to give it another try?
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[This was hardly all they needed to discuss, all they needed to lay out and explain, to understand about one another, but... Stolas shifting the topic drew Blitzø out of the near-doze he'd slipped into. He makes a curious grunt of sound and sits up again, blinking a few times and then scrunching his eyes closed to process the question.]
...don't get mad at me for saying this, but there wasn't an us to really speak of before. I'm-- that's on me, mostly. [His body coils again, back into the couch cushions with his tail wound around himself.] ...but. If you... [He exhales, curling his arms around his knees and ignoring the way his whole frame is shaking slightly.] If you want there to be an us. [He blinks at his knees, holding his breath, eventually mashing his face into them because he can't look at Stolas right now.] Then, yeah. "Us" sounds fucking great.
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[That ember of that warm fuzzy feeling was promptly snuffed out remembering 'them' from before. Right, they never were an us before. Reacting on instinct, he pulled back his hands to hug his arms. So... if him being kind to him wasn't because Blitzø wanted to be with him then... was he misreading their situation again?
Stolas's brows furrowed slightly as his grip tightens.]
Blitz.... I want to do this properly if we are to pursue this. I... may not be ready but.... I want to be.
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[Because he thought he had to be.]
[He draws in a careful breath and lifts his head, and seeing the way Stolas has drawn back into himself again makes his eyes get hot. He did that. He always did that--]
I'm not right for you, you know. I mean-- look at this. Look at us. All I've ever done is hurt you when it mattered, Stolas, how can..., Why would you want that?
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[Stolas found himself sharply cutting in with a bit more umph then it meant to. Shrinking into himself more after his little outburst, he casts a remorseful look to the floor.]
I mean, before all this... before I placed my one-sided expectations on our situation... [Before he misread their relationship...] I meant what I said that you made me happy. You made me feel wanted, even if it was for a little bit. Made me forget about...
[The words get caught up in his throat as he vaguely gestures to himself.
His scrawny twig ass.]... all this. Seeing you take control of your own fate, it opened my eyes that maybe I could escape mine.
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[He sags backward slightly, not especially wanting distance but feeling suffocated, leading to him eventually slowly pushing his way to the other arm of the couch by digging his heels into the cushions below him. His tail winds around his legs, folded to his chest, twice.] I wanted that shit you were expecting, Stolas, I still do. I'm just-- shit at feelings, I cut and run when things get serious because I'm fucking scared. [It was a solid step up from being "too much imp to simp".]
[He hugs himself a little tighter, shaking his head.] I don't... I've been in control of so fucking little in my life, Stolas, I don't know what you think you're seeing.
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Stolas hugs himself tighter.]
I don't know what you're not seeing. Your an imp, an imp with his own business. That's unheard of Blitz. How can you not acknowledge that?
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[He pulls his knees up to his chest enough that it forces the air from his lungs a moment, wheezed out as he buries his face into them and stays that way, his tail unwinding enough so the end of it can lash in frustration, the spade smacking the couch cushions. He's locked inward, folded tight on himself, closed off and seething, until--]
[--in a burst of motion he stands up and paces the length of the couch, one way and then the other, arms wound tight around his ribs and tail whipping behind him in poorly contained stress.] All I ever do, Stolas, is leech off everyone around me. I'm-- fuck, I'm better than I used to be, but what good have I ever really done for you? Maybe-- maybe awakened your sexuality, that's great! But I'm like a fucking cancer. [His pacing slows, and with him not in motion he realizes he's so strung out he's shaking. In turn, he hugs his arms closer to himself.] I don't wanna ruin you anymore than I already have, y'know?
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Stolas let's out a steady exhale, his tone leveling out.]
I feel your employees would beg to differ.. your daughter, too. [He leans back in his spot to stare at the ceiling.] Which is it, Blitz? You said you don't want me to get on that train, yet you're pushing me away with your next breath. Which is it, Blitz? You want me to stay or go?
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[In pretty immediate order, the idea of losing Stolas, of him going-- it wrenches an ugly sound from the imp, and he ducks his head against the way his eyes suddenly burn so hot it crawls up the back of his throat. He worries for a split second he's going to be sick, but instead he's just crying, which is maybe better than throwing up on the living room floor, but only just. He's hoarse, his throat feeling like it's the width of a soda straw, but he coughs out a stumbling thought anyway.]
If I said, "I want you to stay", would it make any difference? If I said "I want you to stay here with me", would you? [He picks his head up, the words chosen specifically to call back to what Stolas hadn't given him the chance to understand, what he'd gotten angry about instead. And he's a mess, standing there, hunched forward and acting like he's not losing every bit of shit he's ever had in the living room of an apartment that looks too much and nothing at all like the one he lived in in Hell, like he's not falling apart because he doesn't fucking know what he wants, except that he wants Stolas and he fucking shouldn't.]
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[Stolas said simply.]
It would make all the difference.
[The tension he held in his shoulders loosens, letting his hand fall into his lap. Again, the goetia loomed over to stare into his open palms.]
All I have ever wanted was to be wanted by someone. To feel... needed. Not just for my title or my powers. To want me for me. If you said you wanted me.... it would change everything.
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I do, Stolas, I want-- the stupid shit, I want. [He smudges the heel of one hand over his eyes.] I want to watch movies with you, I want to sit and drink coffee with you, I want to go fucking grocery shopping with you. I want you in my life but I've fucked this up so badly what does saying it even mean? I don't want you to get on that train, not unless I'm on it with you-- I breathe easier when you're near me, I fucking sleep better with your stupid little hooting snores, you're warm and soft and sweet, trying to live without you has been like drinking shitty black coffee when I got used to the best creamer in Hell, okay? [He's folded forward so his forehead is against his knees, so all of this is kind of yelled at the floor, but at least he said it, maybe? Maybe Stolas would get it, now that he said it instead of trying to say it with actions. He'd never been good with words.]
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There wad still this dark voice that creeper along the edged of his mind. After all that's he's done, did he deserve to be happy? Choking that thought down for now, Stolas simply scoots a little in Blitzø’s direction to lean over to rest his shoulder on his.]
Me too.... I feel the same way.
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[He withers sideways into Stolas' shoulder, hands still over his face.] Fuuuck I would like to exchange emotions for Not Emotions, thanks.